“Attunement can be simply defined as the focus of attention on the inner world.
Interpersonal attunement is the focusing of kind attention on the internal experience of another.”
– Dr. Dan Siegel
As humans, we are wired for connection and to feel safe in our relationships. When we’re attuned to by our attachment figures — children with their caregivers or adults with their partners or close-ones, we feel seen, truly seen beyond the content of our words, our behaviors and our reactions. In this state, our autonomic nervous system taps into co-regulation— a state where we can regulate our nervous system with others’. But what if we didn’t receive that emotional attunement growing up? Most adults struggle with this in their adult attachment relationship.
As we grow up, we gradually learn to take care of ourselves, both physically and emotionally, but we get our first lessons in self-care from the way that we are cared for. Mastering the skill of self-regulation depends to a large degree on how harmonious our early interactions without caregivers are. Children whose parents are reliable sources of comfort and strength have a lifetime advantage—a kind of buffer against the worst that fate can hand them.”
Bessel van der Kolk, The Body Keeps The Score
If we didn’t get enough co-regulation (or other secure attachment experiences) as a child, having a co-regulating person/secure attachment in our life now can help us learn to self-regulate. However, being able to do that in itself can be a challenge. Generally, we start treating ourselves the way others treat us. So, if we didnt have anyone to tune into our internal world– our aches and pains, or joy and excitement, then as an adult we’ll sturggle to tune into our emotions- let alone our partner’s.
Here’s the good news- as an adult, we can still learn to self-regulate and co-regulate with our partner. We can still learn to attune into our inner world and do the same for our partner- attune to their inner world- their hopes, dreams, fears, what lights them up, and what ails them.
So how do we bring this crucial connecting and healing ingredeint into our relationships?
This touches on decades of research done on attachment science.
How can we practice attunement?
Gottmans lay out an acronym for ATTUNEMENT:
A: Awareness
T: Turning toward
T: Tolerance
U: Understanding
N: Non-defensiveness
E: Empathy
– The Gottman Institute
Here are some ways to try acting out these verbs with our partners, and children:
- Make eye contact often. Look at your partner, as the saying goes- “You can observe a lot just by watching.”
- Hug each other for 20 seconds.
- Hold each other, give foot rubs or gentle massages.
- When together and not activated- try to match your breath cycle. Match each other’s vocal tone.
- Play a game together, sing together, dance together, laugh together. Walk together and try to match your pace and mirror the steps together.
- Listen to listen. Listen to look into their world– we often listen to our own voice, narratives, pre-conceived notions instead of ACTUALLY listening to what our partner is saying.
- The key to tolerance is curiosity.When they speak to you, be curious about how they are saying things vs. what they are saying. Get curious about their feelings and needs vs. words and logic behind it.
- Imagine what it must be like to enter your partner’s world- what might they be seeing, feeling, needing? You might not get it perfectly right, but you can guess, empathize and share what they experience it as.
- Ask yourself often, how do I feel when I do the things listed above. How does my body respond? Do I relax or do I get a pit in my stomach, do I feel lightness or do I want to feel closed off, do I wanna go run away and hide, or do I feel open. Do I find this pleasant and soothing or does this feel distressing and uncomfortable?
- Be curious with yourself. Recognize whats coming up for you, name your feelings and sesnattions, allow it- remember as the A.H. Almaas quote goes: “Only when compassion is present will people allow themselves to see the truth.” Ask yourself- what do I need in any given moment?
What are your thoughts about this? Write it in your journal, talk about it or post it in the comment section below.