A therapist’s guide to beginning boundary work, with insights from trauma therapy.
Boundaries can be defined as the ability to set limits with others, and to recognize and respect the limits others set with us.
In Somatic Experiencing (SE), boundaries are also described as the capacity to sense the difference between ourselves and our environment, including other people, and to distinguish between internal and external stimuli.
If you’re a trauma survivor or currently in the process of healing from trauma, boundaries may carry their own weight and complexity. When trauma occurs, it often leaves us overwhelmed and deeply alone—suspended in an experience of helplessness and powerlessness.
For many survivors, especially those with early life trauma or abuse, boundaries are complicated, sometimes even nonexistent, because they were repeatedly violated. And when you’ve lived in an environment where speaking up meant more danger, and fleeing wasn’t an option, your system does what it must: it freezes, it fawns, folds, and it disconnects. Boundaries are abandoned in service of survival.
Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn are not choices. They’re automatic nervous system responses, shaped over millions of years to detect threat and preserve life. Each has its own intelligence. Each is trying to protect us.
Boundaries and Trauma
In my work providing trauma therapy, I sit with clients every day who grew up in households where they were hit, shamed, silenced, disbelieved, or where there were no limits at all. Some had no model of healthy boundaries, raised by adults who either ignored or consistently crossed them. In these environments, the very word boundary can feel foreign. Or worse—triggering.
Some people freeze. Others move automatically into please-and-appease mode. These protective patterns aren’t signs of failure. They’re survival strategies. And they’re still doing their best to keep us safe, often in the only way we know how.
When you’ve grown up in a hostile environment, adaptation becomes instinct. Our bodies remember. Sometimes more than our minds do. The throat tightens, the mind blanks when we try to share a feeling or a need. We laugh nervously. We dismiss, deny, and dissociate. That, too, is adaptation.
Before we ever began suppressing our anger or swallowing our “no,” our bodies knew what was right and what wasn’t. Boundaries are innate. They’re encoded in our skin—our largest organ, and our first boundary. But when those boundaries are repeatedly crossed, whether knowingly or unknowingly, they can feel nearly impossible to reclaim. Just the idea of setting one can bring up the very emotions that lie at the heartof trauma: hopelessness, helplessness, fear.
The Absence of Boundaries
As hard as it is to understand and embody boundaries, especially if you’ve learned to survive through people-pleasing, conflict-avoidance, or staying quiet, it’s important to know this: without boundaries, our relationships suffer. Not just with others, but with ourselves.
Without boundaries, we may continue to feel unsafe, stay in situations that hurt us, or lose trust in ourselves. We may build up resentment or burnout, drifting away from the very people we long to be close to. In trying not to “make things worse,” we can unknowingly create the very disconnection we were trying to avoid.
Where Do We Begin?
Boundary work is not all-or-nothing. We don’t either “have them” or “fail at them.” Like learning a new language or building strength in the gym, it’s a practice. A muscle we develop. An act of showing up for ourselves again and again.
In trauma therapy, one thing I share with clients is that boundary work gets to be gradual, nuanced,and deeply personal. There are many types of boundaries, and each one offers a different invitation for growth.
6 Types of Boundaries (Adapted from the work of Nedra Glover Tawwab)
- Physical boundaries – your space, your body, your comfort
- Emotional boundaries – your emotional availability, vulnerability, and needs
- Time boundaries – how you spend your time and what you prioritize
- Intellectual boundaries – respect for thoughts, beliefs, and opinions
- Material boundaries – how you share or protect possessions or resources
- Sexual boundaries – consent, preferences, and safety around intimacy
Start Small: One Boundary at a Time
Even when we want to have healthier boundaries, it can still feel confusing to know what to say or do in the moment, especially when we’re sifting through fear or trying to communicate in a way that feels kind, effective and not so abbrasive to ourselves or to others.
So, where do we begin? And how do we begin things like saying no, asking for space, naming what we need? Perhaps, we start with just one for now, like a time boundary.
Here’s a short reflection exercise. Grab a pen and paper, and take a few minutes with each prompt:
6 Reflection Prompts for Exploring Your Boundaries
- Value Identification: What is important to me and why?
- The Perimeter: Where is the line? What feels tolerable, and what feels like too much?
- My Specifics: How will I know when that line has been crossed?
- My Response: What will I do to uphold this boundary? How might I respond if it’s challenged?
- Consequences: How will I follow through with myself and others?6
- Relating to Others’ Boundaries: How do I respond when someone sets a boundary with me? What can I learn from that response?
Embodied Practice
Understanding boundaries isn’t just about knowing, it’s about practicing. To truly integrate new insights, we need body-memories: lived experiences that remind us:
I can say no. I can choose. I am allowed to take up space. I can express myself honestly, without worrying how others might perceive it.
Will it be scary? Yes.
Will you want to shrink? Maybe.
And yet—this is an invitation. A call to the part of you that’s ready to show up for yourself with tenderness and courage.
Ask yourself:
- What is a posture that allows me to feel strong or courageous? (Allow this posture and your body’s impulse guide your answers to the following questions.)
- What is one small boundary I’m willing to practice today?
- What’s one difficult “no” I can try, in service of a deeper “yes” to myself?
Let that be your guiding star.
If you’re looking for trauma therapy in CA, I honor your pursuit of healing and invite you to visit my website and reach out. You’re not alone in this work. And you don’t have to navigate it by yourself.